Cancer… a pretty scary word once you really think about it, and a terrifying disease once you get it. It is something that once you have it …you are not promised a tomorrow. Everyday is a fight for life, a fight for me…it is something I thought I would never have to think about, but here I lie with a pasty white tint across my once tan face. You think that once you get cancer, you are doomed for death. However, through my eyes, death is for the weak; death is for the numb; death is for those who give up…I have to believe this because I have a battle to fight! Cancer made me see my life in a whole different way. It opened my eyes to a fact that now must become my truth, “ I shall NEVER GIVE UP!”

I can still remember that day when I received the news. Lying there in that cold, dreadful hospital room, the news came to me so unexpected. It literally blindsided me. Prior to that day, I had never before been sick in such a way. Never in my life had I been admitted to a hospital. Never had my life been threatened by a disease, especially one that could take my life at will.

It took me a while to understand what the doctors were saying. Until finally, they slowed it down to something more my speed…and they said the words A.L. L. Leukemia.

The first thing that came to my mind was a picture of me inside a casket, already six feet under, a picture of my future collapsing before me. I felt like I had hit a road block with no one but God before me. I knew God never gives me more than I can handle. However, now I had to convince my heart to believe what my brain was telling me. As time has passed I have had my ups and downs: Some…. More up than usual…. Some….lower than the ground.

You never know how hard Chemo really is until …your only wish is to just die; despite the fact that you know the whole purpose is to battle for your life… you wish you could die anyway. You never know how much Chemo burns your body unless you have literally experienced a dip in a lake of fire. You never understand what it means to die inside until you feel like you are already dead. However, you quickly realize that you don’t have much to lose once you have already lost it all. Chemo takes so much away from who you are, or at least who you thought you were… hair, skin tone, teeth, smile, muscles. It makes you look deep within trying to find that person you thought you once were.

I never wanted people crying for me. I didn’t want them feeling how I already felt. I often tried to find a way to cover up my true sorrow, misery and pain. What kept me going then and keeps me going now are the people that God put in my life, especially this one very special person who always put a smile on my face. That one person I speak of is my very hard working single mom, who is amazing in every aspect of the word. So, I fought…..and still fight…. For them.

My day on that cruel, punishing, blue, hospital bed made me reflect on some home movies of me when I was little learning to play the drums. Music has always run through my blood, it is a part of my everyday life. It is a reflection of how I feel. It resembled my sickness at one point in my journey. During Chemo every time I would play, not only would my body ache with fatigue in such a way I can not explain, but my song too would ache. My life was my music, and my music had begun to resemble my sickness. All until one day I entered that one remarkable phase that you hope for (except for remission of course) called “maintenance” at which point I knew, I had passed the worst of my journey. My song began to resemble that victory, the movement to the next part of the journey, the worst part was over with; and so I began a new chapter in my life.

To this day I still play my music, and forever shall my song remain… for it too shall be forever remembered as the story of… “A teen who could” . I am still in the maintenance stage and I long for the day when they announce to me that I am in remission, but with God all things are possible. I truly believe that now more than ever. Just by keeping Him first, all the desires of your heart shall be answered. If I get this money, I assure you it won’t be in vain. I know it takes hard work and dedication, and that I shall give. I am a very hard worker, and earnest in anything I set my mind to. I am more than willing to put forth every extra effort to complete my studies and earn a degree. I will conquer this journey and give it every bit the fight that I have thus far in my fight against A.L. L. Leukemia.

Sincerely,

Zack Villalobos